Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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