so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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