What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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