my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
