I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
and you said cock pushups were impossible
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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