good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
