I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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