I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
