My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
