please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
