I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
