Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
