3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
