I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
