She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
