I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
