i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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