First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
