i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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