We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
