i need an iv and a liver transplant
Four minutes until I can fart!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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