I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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