It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
