and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
