I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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