Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
