I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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