meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
