Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
