he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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