I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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