Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
