First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
