Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
