i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
