Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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