I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
