i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
