My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
