Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
