So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
