Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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