Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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