M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
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Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
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Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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