so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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