I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
