"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
