I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
