I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
