he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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