you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
