Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
