Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
