I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
