there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
