Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
