I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
