we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
