I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
