I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm too high and old for this...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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